February 8, 2008 by zedelef
I had a 2012 theme-dinner in a Park Avenue apartment last night. The hostess, who was dolled up in couture and diamonds, served us MREs by candlelight. Military Ready-to-Eat rations that have a super high calorie content and taste like shit. It was all very droll. She had this ancient religious expert who explained to us over champagne and powdered fruit cocktails that the end of the Kali Yuga was upon us. She was this gorgeous black girl from Haiti with thin, elegant dreadlocks and teeth so bright it was like talking to a stroboscope. After her spiel I asked her what she did back home and she told me she was a witch doctor. So I pulled my shirt up and asked her to take a look at one of my nipples. Every time I play tennis it chaffs on my Polo shirt. Well don’t wear a Polo shirt. She seemed to know her stuff. There was also an astronomy professor from Cal-tech who specializes in black holes and moonlights for a group who believe in the arrival of the 12th planet. Planet X. His take on the whole thing was just shy of doomsday. But by that time I was really putting the moves on the Haitian. She was a little older than me but I have to say, there’s something about a six foot black witch doctor that you just can’t quite pass up. She was certainly more interested in the professors conjecture than I. He called the planet Nibiru and said that it had a several thousand year orbit thats going to swing it right by Earth on December 21st, 2012. Apparently it will come so close that the magnetic poles will flip creating a shit storm that will wipe out every coast line from New York to Byron Bay. At this point the ladies who lunch were either laughing hysterically or wetting their pants. What do mean mid America? I spent my whole life getting out. Now I have to go back? Most of the men didn’t even seem to notice. They were still talking about the Super Bowl or reading email on their Blackberries. When the professor finally began talking about the post 2012 maps for sale on the Internet three of them had excused themselves because the Ranger game was already in its second quarter. As I was leaving I asked the Haitian what she really thought. I knew she was hiding something. But with so many people around she just kept quiet. When I invited her to dinner she shook her head and said no. You come to me with something and I’ll cook. So I’m going to bring her a live goat and try to get her to decapitate it with me inside a pentagram. I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited.
February 11, 2008 by zedelef
I drove out to New Jersey on Saturday to meet a painter who claims he’s had sex with an alien from outer space. I’d never been to Jersey before. It’s not that bad in fact, considering. The stress levels in New York really drop the minute you cross the water. You can feel it. I think if New York was a women she’d perpetually be going though the menopause. She just goes on, and on, and on about that thing you once said back in 1984. Jersey was chilly willy by comparison. Real easy going. No stress. No great beauty either, but at least it was peace. And the guy was nice too. He told his story calmly. He certainly wasn’t unconvincing. And so it was yet another example of someone either being completely brainwashed or simply telling the truth. And it’s a strange experience of course, to meet a man in downtown Hoboken who paints landscapes, loves Earth Wind and Fire, and is utterly convinced that he’s impregnated a half alien, half human in an underground compound with port holes in the ceiling that look onto the earths inner sun. When he asks you if you take sugar with your tea you just don’t know what to say. For starters you’re watching him with every ounce of your perception just to tell if he’s not faking. Then there are the details. The little details, the curious observations that just baffle you for all their originality. He even painted the whole sequence of events in an elegant story board form. They were quite beautiful. The largest piece in the series was a life size, full frontal nude of the lucky alien-girl herself. And I know what you’re thinking. I know because I was thinking it too. And of course its totally natural for low level Orangutans like us to have our heads in the muck. Its nothing new. Its the reason we all got into this mess in the first place. And so yes - she was quite something. But that wasn’t the most interesting part. The most interesting part was the way he described their reactions to his words. To each others even. It was a very telling insight into the way more highly evolved beings interact. Because he said that when they spoke to him, to each other, they didn’t question, they didn’t doubt, they took every communication at face value. If someone said no, it meant no. If someone said yes, it meant yes. There was none of the bogus humility, the pretending that we do, to feel more or less one way or another about something because we feel we have to. Because our cultures over-sensitivity demands us to. Indeed our communication system is seeped in what can only be described as a web of essential little lies. The lies that hold us together. But they were above this masquerade. And so their language system was immaculate. No one said no when they meant yes, pretended to want something when they didn’t, suffered through an event and said that they were just fine because they felt they had to. According to him they were straight in their dealings because they had accepted each others differences. And one had to admit, it’s insane to think how much of our minds are occupied with the maintenance and upkeep of this web of necessary dishonesty, this pack of essential little lies and secrets with which we live and breathe day in day out. It’s exhausting in fact, when you really think about it.